I must admit I didn't realise that it has been a couple of weeks since my last update. I’ve been concentrating on the dissertation and consequently this project got pushed to the background.

I’ve started thinking about Solitude again and also loneliness, the differences between them and how each one is achieved and my own experiences about both. As the project is about exploring solitude, I thought it wold be a good idea to explore how I have dealt with each and how I have managed to turn loneliness into solitude.

I have had experiences of loneliness throughout my life, through relationship break ups, moving away, etc, but one of the worst was when I was seriously ill. When I was 39 I was diagnosed with a heart condition, I had a leaky heart valve. This was a real surprise as I was regularly exercising, I would spend about 5 days a week down the gym and my hobby at the time was long distance running. I had completed a couple of half marathons, thinking about entering for a full marathon and the training regime I had at the time meant I would run roughly between 35-40 miles a week.

So, when I was told I had a heart condition I was also told to stop exercising at this level. This then left me in the position of where I had nothing to do except work, eat and sleep, my hobby, which took up hours of my spare time, had been removed and so I had to find something else to fill all this spare time. Fortunately it was this that led me into studying and life took another turn. But this also meant that I was becoming more isolated, I wasn’t mixing with people at the gym, and I was surrounding myself with books and essays, which I seemed to really take to. But I was becoming more lonely through the isolation. I still had the people I worked with, though I was missing people in my social life.

Then, the following year I had a heat attack. Consequently my health deteriorated quite fast after that, I found that just the activities of a normal life were becoming more and more difficult. I had to stop work because I physically couldn’t manage, I was sleeping about 12-14 hours a day because I had no energy. I would make the effort to go out and see friends but this got less and less frequent because physically I just couldn’t do it. This meant that I was becoming more and more isolated and more and more lonely. I had gone from being very fit and active to having trouble walking up stairs, no energy and virtually constant chest pains. I do remember the worst aspect of this was that it felt as if my life was just getting smaller and smaller and the worst part of that was the loneliness. Consequently because of the loneliness I would then have difficulty in processing the other emotions, such as fear because the people that I relied on felt distant, and the only way I knew how to deal with this is through the traditionally British “stiff upper lip”. Finally I was admitted to hospital to have the heart valve replaced and was also told that the operation was urgent as they thought I had only 6 months left to live.

Then in June 2011 I had an operation to replace the faulty heart valve. I then had three months recovery from the operation and gradually my health improved, and then returned to work on light duties. I was able to be more active and get back to living a normal life, but there was still a sense of loneliness because of this experience. I found that because I had become so isolated that friends had moved on, that I had become used to keeping things to myself and had developed different ways of coping.

Before the diagnosis something that I was interested in was meditation and had done various retreats, but because of my health I had to stop. I found that sitting crossed legged would put pressure on the heart and cause chest pains, so I then tried lying down but then I would fall asleep because of my lack of energy. So after the operation, meditation was something that I started again and continued periodically. This also meant I was starting to access networks that I had used before and one of these was the buddhist monastery at Chithurst called Cittaviveka. I had stayed there a few times before and then last year I stayed there a total of 3 times, first for just a few nights, then for the other two times I was there for 10 days.

Of what I was finding was that there is a big difference between solitude and loneliness. It became the case that loneliness was caused by the situation, that the situation was something that was forced upon me, and ultimately like something was missing. This would then bring up emotions of fear, frustration and of underachieving because I was not able to change the situation. It also gave the me the perspective that I was “less than” because of having difficulties in coping and impacted on my own self worth.

However, solitude is something different to loneliness. Both have a sense of isolation, that there is a lack of contact with myself and other people, but solitude is positive and not negative. Solitude is an option and not something that is forced upon us, it is seen as a tool instead of being a barrier and is positive instead of negative.

I found that the buddhist monastery in Chithurst offered the environment where solitude was possible but to still be connected to people, the monks and the other visitors. Something else that helped was that there was no internet, television, radio or anything from the outside world and this provided the sense of detachment. This sense of detachment provided space for calmness and quiet that was healthy, I was not being constantly bombarded with messages given to me by advertising and I wasn’t thinking that I had to do 1001 things by lunchtime.

Solitude is not hiding or running away from something.I have heard it often said that if you run away you take you with you, and theres a lot of truth in this. Escapism itself doesn't work because you cant escape from yourself, but solitude gives you the space to be able to self reflect and to discover your own thoughts and emotions. It also helps to realise what is important in life and to set priorities accordingly.

So my experience between solitude and loneliness are both very different, even though physically they can be both the same. Loneliness, for me, has an impression of feeling trapped, of being insecure and fearful, whereas solitude clears my mind, gives a sense of calm and stability. Solitude is is something to actively seek, whereas loneliness is often imposed rather than chosen.

The space that is needed for the sense of solitude is important. Different people prefer different environments, myself though I achieve that sense of peace when I am close to nature and away from a busy society. Growing up I lived on the North Downs in Kent and woods or forests were only about a 15 minute walk away and I used to spend hours exploring these woods when I was young.

So, it then came as no big surprise that Littlestone Wood, for me does have that sense of calm and peace away from civilisation and society. In all the times I have visited there, I have yet to see another person. There is also a lack of human debris, such as carrier bags or crisp packets, the general litter left behind by society. That it is a place where I can achieve solitude, a sense of aloneness without fear and a place where I don’t feel threatened but secure and calm. This is what I hope is reflected in the self portraits in the forest, that they exhibit a sense of peace and calm, a positive aspect of solitude.